No, but
by maidenpride
Summary: An add-on to ilovedesserts AU story No (please read that story first). It explores the diary/journal that Sharon kept when she joined Major Crimes and then gives to Andy to regain his trust. This has some mothership in addition to the Shandy.
1. Chapter 1

AN: This is add-on to ilovedesserts story "No" - she has blessed this project, which is the only reason why I'm tacking something onto another author's work. I really loved the story, and it's exploration into Andy's POV and the what if. I really wanted to see what Sharon would have written in her journal during her time at Major Crimes and how that may have had an impact on Andy. As ilovedesserts points out in her story, Andy never stopped loving her he just didn't know how to trust her again. I hope that by writing in the gaps that you all can see just why these two are headed down the aisle. Please note this story exists in the AU world of "NO" - which if you haven't read it yet, please do so before continuing on with my piece.

Beta is busy with two kids, all mistakes are my own.

No, but…

Chapter 1

Andy opened the journal, flipping through the pages. He was surprised to see it almost full with entries. He wasn't really sure where to start. The pain of the last several weeks had turned to a dull ache, but he wasn't sure what would happen when he opened this pandora's box. He was holding her inner most thoughts in his hands, he knew he didn't really need to read them to get her intent. Even as she stood there tell him no that night, he knew it wasn't because she didn't love him. It was a hard realization to have as his heart was being broken.

He opened it up to the last entry she made it was dated March 16th. The writing was messy and the lines uneven. Ink was blurred in spots where tears had clearly fallen onto the page.

 _I said no. Not only did I say no, I had to add never. He told me he would wait for me. He's always waiting for me to be ready. I don't understand why I'm not, why I never seem to be ready to take that next step with him. Now he's gone. I sent him away and this time I don't think he's coming back. When Rusty came home my heart swelled for a moment, I thought it was Andy. I thought maybe he had come back. He would say I'm not taking no for an answer and sweep me into his arms. I knew of course that it wouldn't be Andy, but the realization didn't make my heart break any less. I thought about driving over to Provenza's to apologize and see if we could try and fix things…_

Andy closed the journal and threw it down onto his bed. Her words stung. Everything he had felt in the last two months could have been avoided. He hadn't really considered going back to the house to talk to her, frankly when she made up her mind nothing he could say would change it. Why would her rejecting his proposal have been any different? He shook his head and picked the journal back up but this time opened it to the first page.

 _August 13, 2012_

 _Day 1 of 365_

 _What a day. A new team. A new job. A new kid. And none of them are going right. I knew when I accepted this transfer, not that I was given much choice not to, that it was going to be a challenge. Despite the fact that my working relationship with them had improved over the last year I am still an outsider. The cold, no icy, shoulder I got from every member of the squad today was evidence of that this is going to be a long year. If I can get the promotion to Commander that I've been promised, I only need to put one year at that rank and I can finally retire. Walk away from all the dirty looks and hateful rumors, and live my life in peace._

 _Peace is certainly going to be an issue in the near future. I'm not going to say I don't know what I was thinking bringing Rusty home, because I know_ exactly _why I did it. That being said, I sure like to pile on the life complications - I'm surprised Jack hasn't shown up on my doorstep yet. An encounter with him would be icing on the cake right now._

 _Tomorrow, I will hold my head high and do my job as I've always done. Clearly there are things I need to learn about working homicide as Lt. Flynn, so sweetly pointed out to me. Not that I would ever admit it, but I assumed all the investigations I performed to this point would have made switching to murder cases a walk in the park. It hasn't been, or maybe it's more having to fight with the team to do what needs to be done._

 _I'm sure with time everyone will come around. Well maybe not Provenza, but I think he will find a way to remain civil. I had hoped bringing Sykes in would give me an ally, but she may prove to be more work than she's worth. She did help break the case open, but has a lot to learn. Really it was Flynn who helped me see how everything unfolded. I guess I work well when someone is racking me over the coals. I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly he turned off his frustration and switched back to the case. It was almost as if nothing had happened. He said his piece and we moved on. For a few minutes sitting with him in the morgue reviewing the case notes I felt like I had a real partner, for the first time since my patrol days. I hate to say I liked it because it's probably something that won't happen again. On the other hand, who knows with him he's always been a bit of a wild card._

 _Now what to do about Rusty…_

Andy thought back to that first case and felt a pang of regret. They really had treated her poorly. The two discussed retirement at length after Andy's blood clot and in even greater detail after his heart attack, but he never knew that she had considered retiring once they made her Commander. Since it never happened it made sense it didn't come up in conversation. Shelving that for another time, Andy flipped through the pages to another entry.

 _August 27 2012_

 _Day 14 of 365_

 _I need to pray for patience tonight and every night until Rusty is reunited with his mother. The patience to not wring her neck the minute I meet her. The patience to not throw her in jail for child cruelty and endangerment which is where she should be right now. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to hand Rusty back over to DCFS and his family when the time comes. I knew I would become attached to him, but I never expected it to happen this quickly. Emily and Ricky were worried when I told them I was fostering a material witness. My mother told me to keep my emotional distance, to protect myself from getting hurt. The team keeps wondering when I will ship him off - the little psycho. None of them understand that I can't do that. The moment I decided to bring him home, I decided to let him into my life. I knew what that meant - it could be days or weeks before I lost him, but the time would eventually come when I had to say goodbye._

 _I could barely hold back the tears this evening from the team. Hearing from Flynn that Rusty bolted when his mother didn't show up wasn't a shock, it didn't stop it from hurting. I could tell that the Lieutenant felt bad about what happened, blamed himself for losing track of him. It was sweet of him to offer to stay all night trying to track him down. I'm not sure what compelled him to do it. Guilt? Worry? The job? Me? I don't really mean_ me _, but his boss. I would like to think he stayed because he wanted to find Rusty for himself and for me - not because it was his job or because I was his commanding officer. It was nice, even if for a day, to feel like I was co-parenting. Not quite that far I realize, but feeling like I had a partner with Rusty. Someone that he could talk to, someone that I could lean on. It was a rarified feeling, one that reminded me of fleeting moments I had with Jack and the kids._

 _As much as I wanted to protect my own heart by not taking him to the bus stop, I can't help but wonder if things might have been different if I had gone. If I hadn't put my needs ahead of his. Given his explanation for running away I doubt it would have change the outcome if I went, it may have made it worse. At least he knew to come home, which wasn't where I expected him to go. I figured Flynn would find him at some old familiar haunt on Hollywood Blvd, not here in my condo. Maybe he's adapting to this as much as I am._

He closed the journal for a moment, that certainly was a difficult day. She was right, he had felt guilty about losing the kid, but he also felt bad for her and because of her. They weren't enemies anymore and no matter how much trouble the Kid was causing her, he and the rest of the team knew that she had fallen in deep for him. Watching her try and hold herself together, to know that he was involved in causing her that pain made him sick. At the time Andy wasn't sure why he felt those things, eventually it made sense, he was beginning to accept her as one of them.

Andy thumbed through the pages skipping ahead a bit to another memorable day. As he read the date, Andy wondered where her year countdown went, but quickly realized she must have found out that Taylor wasn't in a position to grant her the promotion after all. The idea of retirement had been tabled.

 _October 8, 2012_

 _Once again I sit here asking Got to grant me patience and forgiveness. It is taking all my will power to not get in the car and drive over to Daniel's home, drag him out of bed, and haul him in for questioning. I'm even tempted to let Flynn and Julio have a moment alone with him. My hands are still shaking with anger. I know the solution I've come up with is far better, and has a positive long-term outcome, but I haven't wanted to hit someone as much as I want to hit him in a very long time._

 _I'm not sure why I sent Flynn the pictures of the bruises. It could have waited. They will all see Rusty, and I hope play a part in getting Daniel Dunn out of his life for good, tomorrow. He called me the minute he saw the pictures. He was as angry as I was, which brought me a strange feeling of comfort. He was never good about hiding his emotions, and I could easily tell that he had grown fond of Rusty. It was nice to know that he was going to have so many male role models in his life. That's something that Ricky didn't really get. I enrolled him in sports and of course he had his teachers, but with no father at home, my family living so far away there really wasn't someone there for him in the way the team has been there for Rusty._

 _I had to talk Flynn out of coming over tonight. He really wanted to do something to help. He's a_ do-er _. I know what he really wanted to do was to kick Daniel's ass, but if I wasn't going to let myself do it I certainly wasn't going to allow him. I ran my plan by him, it's something we've begun to do at work. He's becoming something of an ally in an odd way, one that I never dreamed possible. Pigs must be flying somewhere. As shocking as it is, he's been a wonderful sounding board. He actively listens and lets me working things out, mostly its about cases, but a few times it has been about more personal things. I've really enjoyed those moments, although I find myself feeling awkward and uncomfortable at times. The whole thing seems so strange, despite feeling so right, that sometimes my brain trips over the rest of me. It would be nice if some day I could count him as a friend and not just a subordinate or colleague - at the very least it would be nice to know I had a partner at work that had my back._

He took off his reading glasses and rubbed his eyes. Reading her thoughts on their early days of working together felt like a complete role-reversal. At the time he hadn't thought much in the way of friendship with Sharon. After two months of working together he felt like they were beginning to mesh well, and he liked how smoothly things seemed to be working now. Andy was a neat and ordered man, and having a boss who was like minded was beneficial. For the first time, he felt like work was truly bringing him some stability and freeing him to focus on other things, family things for a change. His daughter had been right from day one, Sharon was the reason behind everything whether she knew it or was actively involved or not - her coming into Major Crimes was the best thing that ever happened to him.

With that thought he closed the journal and set it down on the coffee table. He made his way down the hall to his grandson's room and poked his head in the door. She was asleep on the top bunk, foot sticking out of the comforter. He watched her chest rise and fall for a few seconds before finally closing the door and walking back to the kitchen. He poured himself a glass of water and returned to the living room to continue reading.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Andy sat down on his living room couch with the journal in his lap. He took a moment to collect his thoughts before opening it back up. He flipped ahead to the entries from 2013. Life following Daniel Dunn's departure was one of getting into a routine. Not just for Sharon and Rusty, but the entire team. The Captain was a very different boss from the Chief and it took them all time to adapt. Andy found he actually preferred working underneath Sharon, the delegation afforded him an opportunity to really hone in on things he was good at and other things that were unexpected. His hand stopped flipping when he recognized the date July 1st.

 _July 1, 2013_

 _Andy scared me to death today. One minute I look into the murder room and I see him and Provenza arguing about something and the next he's on the floor, collapsed. It turns out he has high blood pressure and it's been causing these fainting spells, but he didn't bother to tell anyone. Well, he told the Lieutenant who of course kept this important information to himself. I've been wondering for days now why he was drinking these odd health juices and going on a cleanse, and I guess now I know. I wish I investigated my suspicions earlier, some detective I am I can't even catch when one of my staff is having medical issues. I just can't believe he hid it from me, I mean I can, but what if this had happened while he was in pursuit of a suspect or driving? He could have killed himself, and then what. I would be going to the funeral for a man I care about and living with the regret that I didn't try and help him sooner._

 _I've been so wrapped in my own world, or rather the "World According to Rusty" show for nearly a year I haven't looked around me, really taken in what's going on with the other people in my life. Sure my kids, my parents, but that's it. I'm going to make a promise to myself that this ends now. Life with Rusty is getting more normal, working with the team is going more slowly, things are finally coming together and it is time to start focusing on others. I'm going to call Andy tomorrow and see if he wants to try that new restaurant down the road, Lemonade, maybe if I talk to him a little bit about balance he'll trust to come to me about these kinds of things in the future. Not that I want anything like this to happen again, but if it does I don't want to be the last to know._

Andy recalled that time before Nicole's wedding, the stress of it all and how it was the first in a series of medical issues that have been haunting him - them. He knew she was concerned at the time, but so was the rest of the team. It wasn't until much later when she was at an appointment with him during the blood clot mess that he really understood just how worried she felt. Listening to her speak and now reading her thoughts from that day drove home just how delicate their relationship was, she was afraid of him dying and he was afraid of being a burden. They were quite the pair. He turned the page and quickly felt his blood pressure rise, he wasn't sure if he could read the next few weeks worth of entries. He barely survived the three weeks when he had to live through it, but to re-live the boulder that came smashing through was another matter entirely.

 _July 8th, 2013_

 _A day that will live in infamy. I can't believe the nerve of Jack. Barging into my home at 3 in the morning, no phone call or notice whatsoever! I was mortified to hear him talking to my team on the phone, for them to know that Jack was back in LA and in my home AND answering my phone like he lives here. No doubt he's after money and chasing some scheme. Always looking for the easy way out and somehow he's associated me with that notion. Now that Rusty is here I really need to keep my wits about me, I can't let him do to Rusty what he's already done to my other children. I would like to think that Rusty could see through the facade that is Jack given his time on the streets, to be naturally untrusting of someone as manipulative, but that doesn't seem to be the case. He has charmed his way into pulling the wool over another innocent. The only reason I'm even letting him stay is to get him to have a relationship with Ricky and Emily. I know why I'm doing it, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I heard him knock on my bedroom door earlier, I'm sure he was expecting me to be willing to take him back to bed. We've had our mistaken encounters in the past, but I've long since lost the passion I once felt for that man. It's certainly hard to want to take Jack to bed when I have feelings, or at the very least an attraction for someone else._

 _When Jack remarked about having toothpicks in the house I nearly dropped my purse on the floor. I know he was goading me, but thankfully it was easy to ignore the remark when Rusty was wearing those ridiculous glasses. Even if I didn't have Rusty there to serve a distraction I still wouldn't have said anything to Jack. Why tell him that I've had another man in the house? That I bought the toothpicks for him because it helps with the nervous tick that comes from kicking a habit. That he has been over once or twice for lunch, or to watch the Dodger game, or to play chess with Rusty, or help him out with his homework. I definitely wasn't going to tell him that I found it incredibly sexy to watch him twist a toothpick around in his fingers as he smiled at me and then put it into his mouth. No it's never a good idea to tell your husband, even if you're separated, that you're attracted to someone else._

Andy removed his glasses and thought back to that whole case. Hearing Jack answer her phone definitely threw him for a loop, he tried to play it off but inside he remembered it really irritated him. At the time, he wasn't really sure why it bothered him. They weren't dating. They were becoming friends, which is why the toothpicks were at her condo, but there wasn't a reason for him to feel jealous of Jack. He steeled himself before turning the page to another entry.

 _July 17th_

 _No surprise, Jack is still here. He claims to be looking for an apartment, but I'm not sure if I really believe him. I know I'm using him as much as he's using me, but it doesn't make me feel any better about having him here. It's been nice having him help out with picking Rusty up and taking him to dinner, but I still can't understand why he's doing any of this. He's never paid this much attention to Emily and Ricky, well not since they were 8 and 6. There's definitely something up his sleeve, I just wish I could put my finger on it. Until I figure it out I know I won't be able to rest easy, having him around the house just leaves me feeling on edge. I wish he would just hurry up and find a place to live or disappear like he always does. Only this time it won't just be me that he leaves in the wake, but Rusty._

 _On top of everything else we had the case to end all cases. It was such a challenge, not only was it about a missing child who was found dead, but the horrible circumstances. It reminded me just how vulnerable Rusty really is. I wish he would go to therapy, I know it would help him get through some of this stuff. I know he is too uncomfortable to talk to me about his time on the streets, but I feel like he needs a safe place. It's been nice having Provenza and Flynn around to help out with the male influence bit. Since I know Jack won't really be sticking around, and he certainly isn't a great role model I'm glad he has them. I forgot how hard it is to be a single mom, ironic given the absent father of the year being back in town._

 _Can I just say what was up with the whole Shakespeare in Love at the cemetery or whatever?! I said yes in a moment of absolute weakness. I probably would have said yes to bowling (as awful as that sounds) given the state I was in. Once again Jack took advantage of that weakness. Having both kids with him while he asked as I listened to the little girl's voicemail - who wouldn't say yes to spending time with your kids in a moment like that. Of course Jack tried to sit closer than I was comfortable with, he really hasn't gotten the hint that we are over. Rusty seemed to notice how uncomfortable I was, it wasn't hard to miss given how fidgety I was throughout the entire film. I knew he was feeling just as awkward as I was, being there with Kris when we all knew she was_ definitely _not his type. Only Jack and Kris seemed to have enjoyed themselves, proof enough that I should have said no when I had the chance. Some how Jack is always the one managing to have a wonderful time and I'm sitting here picking up the pieces._

 _Frankly, I think he enjoys the freedom this separation has given him. He isn't paying alimony or child support. Isn't burden by a wife and family. Comes and goes as he pleases. Sleeps with who knows what secretary and then returns to LA expecting to return to my bed. Who does that? I called Ricky after the case was over and he asked me for the hundredth time why I haven't divorced Jack. My "it's complicated" speech is getting a bit worn and the excuses are slipping away. I guess I don't have a good enough reason to do it, but I'm feeling the "yet" grow more impatient in my mind._

 _It was a nice movie and getting lost for a moment in the romance of it all was a great reprieve from the crappy day. Naturally that was Jack's intent, to get me feeling romantically wistful allowing him to make him move. Sadly for him, my mind was on someone else throughout most of the film. Joseph Fiennes reminds me of a younger Andy, the man I met when I came up from patrol. The dark hair and eyes and wicked smile._

He rubbed his eyes as he recalled that case, it was one of the worst in his career. It wasn't particularly gruesome or gory but the circumstances were horrific. He remembered holding onto the girl's purple hair tie and thinking about Nicole. A year later he held onto another young girl's hair piece and thought of his daughter. He knew it would never get easier, these cases stuck with you forever. He also remembered watching Jack come into the murder room, walk by the white board where he was removing the victim's photographs, holding a picnic basket. He hit up several meetings after that case. He was surprised to say the least to see her willingly follow Jack, Rusty, and Kris out. He figured she was trying for Rusty's sake, always putting her kids ahead of her own needs. The last line made him chuckle, he hadn't really thought of that actor as his younger doppelgänger, but he didn't mind the compliment. He'd have to make a point to watch the movie and see what got her so caught up — in him — that evening.

 _July 22nd, 2013_

 _Gone again. I came home to find clean folded sheets on the couch and a letter on the end table. I used to read them. Hold onto them. Re-read them hoping to garner something beyond what she got from the first read. Every letter was the same._ I'm so sorry. I'm no good for you. It's better for you if I leave. I never meant to hurt you. I can't help myself. _This time she tore it up without opening it, without reading it. Thankfully Rusty wasn't home right now, I needed to settle into a bath with a glass of wine. After having my house taken over by him I just needed to be alone for a little while. I need to rid the fridge of his almond milk, the house of his smell, and then maybe his essence from my life. I'll tell Rusty what I've always told Ricky and Emily when Jack leaves, although given his history I don't think he needs the speech. I hate that I put him in this situation. I put my other kids need to have a relationship with their father over Rusty's need for stability and a healthy environment. I can't let myself make that mistake again, things will have to change. While Rusty is here the 2 day rule is gone, he can stay in a hotel. And if he's here when Ricky and Emily are not I won't engage in dialogue with him about our kids, they're adults and so is he. As much as I want them to have a connection with Jack, I can't force it, they need to want it and to put in the effort. Once again I'm the enabler, helping him stay in touch with his kids, while not doing any of the work for it. You'd think by my 50s I would have figured this whole thing out._

 _I really let it get out of hand this time. I was a fool and he played me. I can't believe I allowed my private life to be put out on public display. Yes, Jack is the one that played that card, but I gave him the opportunity. I could barely look my team in the eye when I came out of that interview room. He really has used me for the last time._

 _Andy surprised me by stopping by my office before heading home. He wanted to check on me and make sure I was doing okay. He didn't mention Jack, he didn't need to I know that's why he was there. I of course dismissed him with an "I'm fine," even though we both knew I wasn't. He paid me a compliment on the case and for keeping my cool despite Jack's antics before giving my shoulder a squeeze and heading out. My shoulder burned from his touch and quickly chilled when he removed it. The feeling caught me off guard, I'm attracted to the man - who wouldn't be with that salt pepper hair and dark brown eyes, but this was the first time his touch had caused this kind of reaction. I've decided not to over analyze the feeling. He's been a supportive team member and becoming a good friend, for now that is more than enough. My life is plenty complicated as it is._

The last words brought a smile to his face. Even though they took a long time to get to where they were today, he never doubted the mutual attraction. That being said, he knew then as he knows now for Sharon to be with someone there has to be more than just sex, more than a physical connection.

 _July 29, 2013_

 _How quickly things change! One minute Jack is here wrecking havoc on my life, the next he's gone. One minute I'm trying to convince Andy not to miss out on his daughter's wedding and the next I've invited myself to tag along! I was as surprised as Andy was by my offer. I never act so spontaneously nor as bold. I guess it wasn't all that spontaneous given I had wondered what it would be like to go with Andy to the wedding a few days before I actually invited myself. I'm once again choosing not to read into any of this, I get giddy at weddings that's the only reason for any of this._

 _But oh, Nicole was such a stunning bride and Andy looked so handsome in his tux. The man knows how to wear a suit, it's something I've come to appreciate seeing when I come into work every day, but a tux is a whole new ball game. He looked like Sean Connery or Harrison Ford and it made me even more giddy when he wrapped his arm around mine as we walked up the aisle together. My feet are still aching from all the dancing we did together. It really was marvelous. I couldn't help but shoot of a text to Emily asking when she was going to find someone to settle down with. Mostly I avoid meddling about things like that, but when I'm at a wedding all rules get thrown out the window._

 _The strange looks I got from Nicole's family were a little concerning. It seemed that they weren't buying the "we're friends" remark. Andy explained, not that it was necessary, that he hadn't dated anyone in about a year and they were surprised he hadn't come with Provenza as his plus one. He didn't add the "or a young blond" but she knew his reputation. I'm not really his type, not that he's opposed to brunettes, the Bonnie and Clyde case proved that, but I'm not young or dumb. We both opted to ignore the strange looks and questions and just enjoy each other's company and the occasion. It was an easy thing to do, until he dropped me off at the condo. I think we were both riding an oxytocin high, or at least I was, and it made the moment awkward. He leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek while I moved forward to give him a hug. His jaw ended up colliding with my forehead and our arms got tangled up. We laughed about it, but didn't bother to try and repeat either the hug or the kiss. Having the clarity of a night's sleep I'm glad. I'm not sure what I was thinking, clearly I wasn't I got caught up in the emotion of it all. He's a friend. We're friends. Friends hug. Maybe they give a kiss on the cheek as a greeting, but not while standing at the front door dressed to the nines after going to a wedding - together. That would have made it feel like a date. And it wasn't. I'm married. I'm his boss._

Andy knew the moment that he walked Sharon back up the aisle after the end of the ceremony, that he could see this in their future. He hadn't felt that happy in years, it was like walking on clouds and it was something that he knew he would have to chase. He didn't know that night how he was going to do it, but he knew he wanted to get to where they are now. Or rather where they were two months ago before he proposed and she said no. He certainly hadn't planned on that when he thought of their last trip up the aisle.

Having worked a third of the way through her journal he needed another break. These were wonderful memories that made him smile, but they also broke his heart. It made him remember how much hope and promise he had for the future. While Sharon was saying she wanted that now, he wasn't sure how to forgive her for the past two months. He always knew he would eventually, he could never stay mad at her even when he disagreed or didn't understand her decisions.


End file.
